Surgery & Return to Competition

2017: Health and Surgery
2017 was a rather difficult year for me and riding took the back seat to dealing with health issues. I debated with myself for a long time about whether or not I should talk about my health problems on my blog but the whole ordeal had a direct impact on my riding and I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.  And who knows - maybe there are other riders out there who have gone through or are going through the same ordeal!

In early 2017, I went to the doctor after I could no longer ignore my health problems. After several diagnostic tests & procedures, it was determined that I had a condition known as diffuse uterine leiomyomatosis. It was not cancer, but the walls of uterus had been replaced with "countless" benign fibroid tumors that had caused my uterus to grow into a very large, hard 7-in mass that was pressing against everything else in my abdomen. For comparison, the average uterus is 2-3 inches in diameter. The solution was a hysterectomy.

I have never felt any desire to have children but I also wanted control over the decision. Losing control over that decision was more difficult than I expected. Plus, the hysterectomy was considered major surgery because they had to cut open my abdomen and touch a bunch of organs. I hated the idea of more scars on my body. I hated the idea that I would be sidelined from riding, running and everything else physical I do. I hated the idea of being away from and not in control of work. But I also hated the side effects and discomfort I currently had with this mass in my abdomen. I knew I had to do the surgery. It was just a lot of mental stuff for me to deal with unexpectedly.

In hindsight, learning how to lose control might be the hidden lesson in this story.

That was April. I put off surgery until the end of summer in the hopes that I would be able to get back to competing at Prelim before I was sidelined. Leo and I completed one horse trial at Flora Lea in May at Training level which was followed by a minor leg injury which required him to take a couple weeks off. I didn't make it to any more competitions that year.

I had surgery in August and Dan and Kaitlin took over competing Leo for me. With those two in the saddle, Leo got several great prelim rounds down throughout the fall.

Recovering from surgery
I went into surgery as fit as I could be. I was running 45 miles a month and doing T25 workouts on the days I wasn't running. My doctor said I could start riding again 8 weeks after surgery but to take things slow as they had to do a lot of internal reconstruction when they removed my uterus. And to top it off, they had to make a 7-inch vertical incision through my lower abdominal wall - not great for a sport that relies on core strength. The general sense was it would be a year before I was 100% again.

Naturally, I thought my doctors were just overly conservative. They said to consider taking 8 weeks off from work; I went back at 4 weeks. In regards to riding, I thought it would just come right to me without missing a beat. But it turned out those expectations were not realistic at all.  The pain wasn't the problem. I have lots of titanium in my body from breakage and physical discomfort is somewhat normal for me. It was the lack of energy. I was tapped out all the time. It sucked.

My doctor explained that my body had a lot of internal healing to do and when the body is healing most of its energy is going towards that process, hence there isn't a lot of energy left for other things. She expected me to sleep a lot and go slow with everything. Everyone was telling me to take it easy but I'm terrible at taking it easy.

I started riding in October but the rides were really short. I didn't appreciate how much core I use when riding until I had no core strength to use! Just posting the trot for a couple circles around the ring was hard. After a couple of weeks, I had a jump lesson. Dan kept everything small and Leo took care of me. I just pointed him and he went, which was good because riding was a struggle. I could tell his educated had advanced a lot with Kaitlin and Dan in the saddle. His canter was more well balanced and he had self control over his body. I think I had one more jump lesson in the fall and then winter hit. 

In Dec, I tried T25 workouts again, but my abdomen hurt too much to do it. In Jan, I started running again. Ugh, if I thought riding was hard post-surgery, running was even harder. I was probably over compensating for something when running because I screwed up my achilles after 4 weeks of running. That resulted in being benched from running for 6 weeks so I started pilates. That probably worked out for the best because it helped me focus on my abdominal strength.

The health diagnosis was hard because it felt like my body had betrayed me. Then post-surgery, it felt like my body was betraying me again because everything that used to be easy was hard.  

Leo's Progress

Meanwhile in Dan and Kaitlin's program, Leo is the soundest he has ever been. His weekly schedule includes hour long walk hacks and 25 minute trot sets. In addition, every flat workout is proceeded with a hack. Because of this, he hasn't required any joint injections in the past 2 years and his hindend  movement has exponentially improved. 

Leo finished 3 prelims in the fall of 2017 with clear xc and stadium rounds at Loudon, Flora Lea and Radnor. 

Leo went with Dan and Kaitlin to Aiken from Jan to March. I visited twice for 2 long weekends but it was far less riding than I expected to be doing. Dan competed Leo in the Training Division at Pine Top. He just barely kept the lid on during Leo's dressage test but he put down a great stadium and xc round. 

2 weeks in the saddle: Competition #1 Fair Hill (Dan - Prelim)

The long story made short: 

• Dressage Test: "Tense"
• Stadium: Elimination

The longer story...

Leo came back to PA at the end of March and I took over all of his rides. Our jump schools at home were not going great. I was out of practice and still building up strength. Leo is never very generous when it comes to my errors and Leo started refusing - very similar to how things were progressing before I came to work with Dan.

Dan ran Leo in the Prelim division at Fair Hill in mid-April as a precursor to my return to competition. Leo had to perform his dressage test in the international ring which did not go well according to reports. After warming up for stadium without issue, he went into the ring and Leo shut down at the first fence and refused to jump. Elimination in stadium hasn't happened in competition since our very first attempt at Prelim back in 2014.

Leo was sound but I had taken over his jump schools at home. Could I be the problem? Dan didn't say I was. He thought that in hindsight, he hadn't been jumping Leo big enough at home and the prelim size stadium course was a surprise to him.

3 weeks in the saddle: Competition #2 Plantation (Mindy - Training)

The long story made short: 

• Dressage Test: "Tense"
• Stadium: 2 rails
• XC: Clear with time

The short, long story...

I was nervous to compete Leo at Plantation after he quit at Fair Hill. We went xc schooling that week and Leo felt amazing. He felt confident and like he knew his job. We completed Plantation without issue - not a lot of style, but no refusals or eliminations!

But I still wasn't jumping prelim height at home and I knew I needed to get back to jumping 3'7" if I was going to be able to feel comfortable at prelim.

Training Focus: Quality of the canter and connection...

Back at home, Leo and I still struggled to find a partnership when jumping, particularly as Dan raised the fences and introduced harder lines. I was failing to commit to striding, ride aggressively, and just simply dig in. We were supposed to move up to Prelim but I was questioning whether I was ready. Dan said I needed to do it and I knew he was right. I was over analyzing. If I delayed it, I would just continue to doubt myself.

In the last 2 years our focus has really been on the quality of Leo's canter and getting him to accept a connection. This has translated into a very different approach to our jumping. The goal is maintain a round connection with Leo throughout our jumping rounds - and even on course country. Dan doesn't want Leo inverting and bracing against the bridle when approaching a fence. The new approach is hard for Leo and hard for me.

The vision for our jumping:

• After landing from a fence, I  re-establish Leo's connection in the turns using supple elbows, flexions, bending to the inside, leg-yielding out, using an insane amount of leg pressure and holding it all together with my core. 
• Coming out of the turn, I use my legs and supple arms to maintain the connection and ride forward on a powerful 12-ft stride (with forward head carriage) which allows Leo to move to the fence without raising his head in the air, bracing, falling behind my leg or running away with me.

It sounds simply and logical but its been a hard adjustment for me. All of the steps and reactions requires a skill level I haven't achieved yet. I hold too long; don't use enough leg and a million variations as a try to develop the right feel and judgment.

• If I fail to use my leg with my hand, Leo drops behind my leg and I get a bad jump
• If I am to rigid in my elbows or I hold with the reins rather than give and release, Leo falls behind my leg and I get a bad jump
• If I drive only with my leg and no hand, I don't have the connection or quality of canter and we don't get a bad jump

6 weeks in the saddle: Competition #3 Plantation (Mindy's Return to Prelim)

The long story made short: 

• Dressage Test: "Disobedient"
• Stadium: One stop but pretty good overall
• XC: One stop but good recovery

The long story...

So I put on my big girl pants and moved up to Prelim again.

Leo imploded again during the walk work, but honestly, as long as I didn't get eliminated, I just didn't care all that much about the test.

Dan was not able to warm me up for stadium so I had to do it myself. I really had to put on the big girl pants! Leo felt a little sticky off the ground in warm up but overall jumped well. He felt sticky at the first fence, a vertical, and then backed off the second fence, an over, and stopped. This was go time. You only get one stop at Prelim. The second stop, anywhere on course, is elimination. I got him over the fence on the second attempt and he proceeded to jump clear.

Dan walked the XC course with me the day before and it was BIG. Dan said it was probably the biggest prelim course I would see all year - Plantation loves to pull out the big jumps that make your eyes pop out. The combinations were generous though as all but one was on a straight line. There was a skinny, 2 strides to a bank down, 4 strides to a corner. It was an intimidating combination for me but it rode great. There was the bank complex in the ruins which we have jumped before. Leo did that great. He was sticky into the waters but jumped them. The place we had a problem was a skinny combination: 2 skinnies on a bending 5 strides with undulating terrain. I got a messy jump in and lost Leo in the turn. He stopped at the fence coming out because of my sloppy ride.

We finished, jumped all the enormous tables without issue and that was exciting! But I knew we had to get the jumping in a better place.

8 weeks in the saddle: Competition #4 Virginia (Mindy's - Prelim)

The long story made short: 

• Dressage Test: "Explosive" 
• XC: Rough with one stop
• Stadium: Elimination

The long story...

It was a rough couple of days at Virginia. The dressage is super disappointing because I realized that if I cannot make it through the walk moves in the Prelim HT test without a meltdown, I will never be able to get Leo through a 1-star test or Intermediate test. He's mentally maxed out right now. 

But the reality is our jumping is shit right now and so the meltdowns in the dressage ring don't really matter at this point.

The xc course intimidated me. It was bigger and more technical than the prelim course I rode there 4 years ago, but after a second walk, I knew it was within our abilities. 

I thought I started the xc course off right, but Kaitlin said afterwards I wasn't attacking the first few fences like I should have been. Leo stopped at the fence going into the water at #6, which Kaitlin said was just a bad ride by me - again because I wasn't riding xc as xc needs to be ridden. We barely made it through a tough combination after the water which consisted of a big table downhill, 4 bending strides to a brush fence. The next 2 fences were sloppy and then we finally got our act somewhat together around fence #10 to finish the course and make it through 2 tough corner combinations. 

A lot of fences were at the top of a hill and I kept messing up the distances. Our rhythm was terrible. We had no flow. I was really disappointed in myself afterwards and I knew I didn't set us up well for stadium jumping the next day. 

Kaitlin gave me a pep talk and said Leo was there to give me experience and the only way to get experience was to be out there competing. There's no way to simulate a competition at home. This is part of the learning and training process. I was out there getting it done and that counts for more than I know. She also said I didn't pick this sport because I ever thought it was going to be easy. People are attracted to horse sports for the challenge and if I want easy, I need to find something else to do that doesn't involve the horses and the physical and mental demands of eventing. Something more like knitting. 

The stadium course was maxed out and Dan said it would be a challenge to get Leo around. But I pepped talked myself that morning and Leo's jumped around a lot of big prelim stadium courses. Including a big one at Virginia in the Coliseum no less. I was determined to get it done, but I didn't get it done. Leo wouldn't help me out. He stopped at the third fence - which was similar to the one he stopped at during our Plantation round. He was looking past the fence to all the people at ring side, watching. I got him over the fence the second time and then approached the double . I got him over the oxer in, and it was an easy 2 strides out over a vertical and he stopped at the vertical even though the distance was there. 

After xc I felt like I let Leo down. After stadium, I felt like Leo let me down. I was pretty pissed about the whole thing afterwards. 

No margin of error

Sally always said that to event, you need a margin of error. You need to know that your horse knows his job well enough to pick up the gap when the rider makes a mistake. Leo won't fill in the gap for me which makes us terrible partners. He's competition record is long and nearly continuous for 8 years. He should know his job is to get to the other side of the fence. I'm not such a terrible rider that I am putting him in unjumpable distances. They just aren't perfect and they rarely will be. He has to make an effort. I'm not a pro - I ride one horse, once a day. I'm always going to be making more mistakes than not. 

So now what? Enter doubt, confusion, and frustration

I'm not sure what the next step is, but we're back to were we were 2 years ago when I stopped competing Leo because he was doing this same thing at home. Leo is 15 now and maybe the reality is, much like in dressage, perhaps he is mentally maxed out. I know I need to dig in when the going gets hard, but I need Leo to dig in too and perhaps he just can't. Even though he is sound, I'm going to have the vet check him over and see if she finds anything. Then we'll go from there. 

All these doubts are exponentially disappointing because I turned 40 this week. I am making slow, slow progress with my riding. Partly because I have a difficult horse, partly because riding just doesn't come all that naturally for me. I wanted to keep competing Leo for the next couple of years, assuming we'd be making progress up to a 1-star and intermediate. I don't want to just ride at training level. But if I need to start over with a young horse, I won't be riding at this level again until I'm much older! And seriously, how successful will I actually be with the next horse as my body gets older and I continue to lack the necessary experience and skills to help a horse out?? 

Well, those are just thoughts that come and go and this is an really long catch-up post. The good news is I am healthy and Leo is healthy. And we're both actually quite happy despite the disappointment expressed in this post!