Off track...again!?

Just like life, riding doesn't ever seem to get easier.

Leo and I attempted to move up to Prelim at Flora Lea yesterday and got eliminated at the third jump on the stadium course.

The cross country looked challenging but doable. There was a mound to skinny combination; a big coffin combination requiring the horses to jump into the woods at the A fence; a corner combination requiring you to jump a table and then pick a 5 or 6 stride line to a corner; a severely angled 2 stride brush combination off a short turn...and lots of big..BIG galloping fences in-between. I really wanted to ride that course.

Dressage was mediocre. We scored a 50. Leo warmed up well on the grass; even Sally said he looked good. But then, he immediately tenses up going around the ring. (All new stuff to look at!) Tension developed and he got behind my leg. To top it off, he was getting sucked down in the sand footing. Try as I might, I couldn't get him back in front of my leg during the test. It was unfortunate (and I'm sick of all these shitty dressage tests), but not unexpected.

I knew I was going to have to fight for Leo's attention during my stadium round. Horses on xc galloped by on 2 of the 4 sides of the stadium ring. The other 2 sides were flanked by stadium and xc warm-up. But there is always a lot to look at in stadium, no matter what event it is. I gave Leo a smack before the first fence; it was a big oxer and we caught a great distance. We landed and I was confident I would make it through my round just fine. We made the turn for fence 2 which was a related line 5 strides to fence 3, a large oxer with a white Flora Lea plank. Nothing particularly scary, but this line looked directly onto the xc course. I got a good distance to fence 2 and as Leo took off, a horse galloped by behind fence 3. Leo dropped his hind end in the air and on landing tried to bolt right. I recovered and still made it to fence 5. The distance was still there. I still expected him to make the jump and was already planning my turn to fence 4. But Leo was still fixated on what was going on behind the fence. We got to our take off spot and I don't even think Leo had seen the fence yet. He stopped dead and almost slid into the oxer.

I turned my crop over and gave him 2 substantial hits behind my leg. I made a plan for my re-approach which allowed him a good bit of time to look at the fence. We got to the oxer again with a decent distance and he slammed on the brakes. Two refusals at Prelim and up is elimination. We were out.

I took him back out to stadium warm up and schooled him for a few more minutes. He was fine.

I told myself I wasn't going to cry at the event. This is a 100%  first-world, and a very privileged first-world, problem. But I do have to admit that I cried when I got home last night. What can I say? I have a failure complex and this feels like a massive failure. Leo and I have completed 18 training level events in 2+ years, and before that spent a solid 1+ year at novice. I haven't rushed him at all. He's sound. I have a steady routine for his training. I have a steady routine for his anxiety/stress level management. I'm the strongest and fittest I have ever been in my life. I work with top professionals who are very experienced. I put in the time and money...and I still can't ride this horse well enough to move him up. Athleticism is not his problem; he's a mental ride and I just can't seem to anticipate what personality he will be at any given time in order to adjust my riding. I was forward, leg on, and strong at the start of that stadium ride and even that didn't work. I practiced cantering up to 3'9" oxers this week and my eye wasn't perfect but Leo was no longer demanding perfecting from me. He was making up the difference - like he should as my partner.  But at the show, that horse isn't there.

Will I ever be the rider Leo requires? I think I said the same thing last year when Leo and I were having all sorts of growing pains. I am hoping this is more growing pains. 3'7" courses are substantially larger than 3'3" courses. Stadium has always been my nemesis and Leo has never been as confident in stadium as he is on cross country. He is a brave horse and wants to jump, but he's also spooky and careful. He's a different horse on xc than he is the show jumping ring. I wish I knew why. He's plenty athletic. I always just thought jumping was jumping, but that is not the case evidently. Boy do I wish he were the same horse in stadium as he is on xc! Maybe he gets claustrophobic in the ring? He seems to get claustrophobic at other times: he's most likely to implode in warm-up with horses milling around him. Maybe he's just an asshole. I dunno anymore. I clearly don't speak "horse."

Becca and I are 100% stumped so Sally is taking some time to think about next steps. One option is to send Leo to her to finish off the season and get some miles in at prelim. Sally is reluctant to do this because she hates all scenarios in which I am not riding. It wouldn't be an issue if I had a second horse but she said time of the saddle doesn't help me. I'm entered at prelim level for Loch Moy. If Leo doesn't go with Sally, I will drop back to training level since I am already entered and I can't afford to just lose the money. After that, I don't know. I was going to go to Virginia and Sally said that would be a viable event to move up to prelim at, but the stadium might be in the big indoor colosseum - which could blow Leo's mind.

I hate not knowing what to do next.