New insight

Today began with pure disappointment. This week, I had mentally committed to going through with the purchase of Titus - despite having not sold Apollo yet - dependent on a second ride with Becca. I scheduled the showing with Sally for Saturday. Then I woke up this morning to an email from Sally - telling me that Titus's owner's horse was lame and she had decided to take Titus off the market and ride him herself.

Oh the disappointment. I'm not even ashamed to say I shed a few tears (I do that when I get frustrated). While Titus was at the highest end of my budget - hell, he was over my budget since I don't have any money from selling Apollo to contribute to the next purchase - there are no other horses at his price point with a track record that can come close to his. Not to mention his amazing temperament. I had decided that my 20 year old eventing dreams were worth investing in - I deserved it. I don't want to wonder if my next horse will do what I want to do. I want to get on with it.

Now it's back to the drawing board to craft a new plan.

Becca was nice enough to let me enter Priscilla, one of her project horses, in a Beginner Novice horse trial. I thought I would enjoy it - thinking that I would feel like I was making some progress towards my goals if I competed Priscilla, but that's not how I feel at all. It's actually kind of frustrating to jump on a horse you don't know, 2 weeks before a competition and try and figure out how to ride them. I'm no professional. It's a huge challenge for me, and it's helped me realize why I ride horses in the first place.

It has nothing to do with the competitions or the ribbons (those are nice though). It's the process I enjoy - learning and teaching, figuring out problems and then testing my training at a competition. Eventing has my heart because you test your training across 3 disciplines. We all know the problems on the flat will manifest themselves in stadium and cross-country. It's the problem solving, the commitment and ownership over the process and horse's welfare that I love.

Jumping on a horse I don't know just to ride in a competition means I am missing out on the entire process that I love. It leaves me empty and frustrated. I know there are a lot of benefits to knowing how to jump on a strange horse, read them and adjust, but I'm never going to be a professional horsewoman - I don't want to be. I go to my desk job Monday-Friday so that in my spare time I can develop a relationship with a horse and work on my life goal of becoming a better rider.

I want to compete on a horse I have a relationship with - so that I can anticipate problems based on known weaknesses and have the confidence to know I have a tool set to solve for those problems.

Riding Priscilla for the first time cross-country today merely added to my frustration. She's a nice mare, but I had no idea what problems to expect and couldn't solve the problems when they materialized. I had no relationship with this horse and no real insight into what Becca's is working on with her. I hate feeling unprepared and that's what I was today. I learned more about Priscilla today than during any of my previous 4 rides on her (cross country is like a magnifying glass) - that will definitely help me during Sunday's horse trial.

I won't have an event horse for myself anytime soon, but I'm going to stop trying to substitute another horse into the role. I need to remain true to myself. The competing means nothing without the process that leads up to it.

When I was just a kid in high school, my biggest dream was competing at the Preliminary level - in the hopes of qualifying for a 1-star. In high school, I bought my first horse. We only ever competed at Novice. Lucinda Green told me I would need to trade him in, in order to advance my riding, but he was my buddy, my friend and was my forever horse. I willingly put my riding goals on hold in order to care for my first horse for his entire life. We were trying to move up to Training the year I had to put Milo down. I left riding for a few years shortly afterwards; in hindsight, for many of the reasons I realized today. Riding lesson horses and other people's horses occasionally wasn't fulfilling for me. Instead, I spent my late 20s paying off my debt and buying a home. But I couldn't keep horses at bay indefinitely - they make me happy and life is incomplete without them.

I thought with the purchase of Apollo, I was back on the track I wanted to be on, but Apollo had other ideas. In my teens, my goal was Prelim; in my 20s it was Training. Now in my 30s, I'd be happy to be back at Novice!